Swamp Gas

If I see a restaurant that has a "mandatory gratuity", I will do the following:

1. Not go in the door.
2. Spit on the so-called "welcome mat".
3. Picket the joint to warn other members of the public that they're about to get ripped off.

Now, then, you bozos, listen up, and listen good.

A "tip" is a bonus from me, the customer, rendered to you, the waiter/waitress, based upon the perceived quality of service I receive when I happen to wander into your greasy spoon.

Here's OWW's Rules of Tipping:

0% - or 2 cents: My coffee cup got empty and stayed that way. The food was cold when it arrived. You were more interested in your cell phone than your customer.

5%: My coffee cup got empty and stayed that way. The food was cold when it arrived. You weren't interested in fixing the problem - "I'll get the manager for you" doesn't make me happy.

10%: I had to ask for a "warmer-upper" on the coffee, but you didn't make rude faces. The food was OK when it arrived. You smiled and said "yessir" at least once.

15%: I didn't have to ask for a thing. Food was at least warm when it arrived. You smiled at least once at my crappy jokes about the weather. I had to ask for mustard to put on my gourmet hamburger. But the burger really was gourmet quality.

20%: If my coffee cup got below 1/2 full, you refilled it. You were unobtrusive, but you were there - I noticed you were there, but you still anticipated my desires without me saying a word. Definitely superior service.

25%: PFM. "Pure Flaming Magic". Your took my order, then disappeared. I never saw you, but everything just magically appeared. My coffee cup magically refilled itself. My "gourmet burger" was perfect in all respects (right down to the lettuce being crispy without being damp), including two varieties of mustard. The very best of service, and you get the very best tip.

"Mandatory Gratuity"? Not a chance in Hell.