Swamp Gas

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink--Yep. Of course, me and Mad Mikey were the only customers in the bar at the time.
2. Swam with wild dolphins--Yep - during the '70s.
3. Climbed a mountain--Yes - but not voluntarily - I got conned, I tell ya!
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive--No. But I drooled on a 365GTB once.
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid--No. But my niece did, once.
6. Held a tarantula--Yes.
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone--No.
8. Said “I love you’ and meant it! --Every day for the last 20-some years.
9. Hugged a tree--Gawd No!
10. Bungee jumped--Great Gawd No!
11. Visited Paris--No.
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea--Yes. I've also seen St. Elmo's Fire.
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise--Yes - at sea because I had too, a few times at home because I just couldn't sleep.
14. Seen the Northern Lights--No.
15. Gone to a huge sports game--Yes - Raiders vs Chargers courtesy of my old landlord.
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa--No.
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables--Yes - one summer back in the '70s. That farming/gardening crap is hard, hard work!
18. Touched an iceberg--No.
19. Slept under the stars--Yes, many times.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper--Yes. But not recently, thankyouverymuch!
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon--No.
22. Watched a meteor shower--Yes.
23. Drunk champagne--Yes. At weddings, and once at New Years. It took days to recover from that one!
24. Given more than you can afford to charity--No.
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope-- Yes - simply gorgeous!
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment--Yes.
27. Had a good fight--Yes.
28. Bet on a winning horse--Yes - twice in one afternoon at Golden Gate Fields.
29. Asked out a stranger--Yes. She accepted, then wondered about her sanity.
30. Had a snowball fight--Yes.
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can--No. But I do bellow, from time to time.
32. Held a lamb--Yes.
33. Seen a total eclipse--No.
34. Ridden a roller coaster--Yes.
35. Scored a winning goal--No.
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking--Yes.
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day--No.
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment--Yes.
39. Visited all 5 continents--No.
40. Taken care of someone who was drunk--Yes. Mad Mikey and I took care of each other all around the Pacific.
41. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country--Yes. In the Phillipines, Japan, and Hong Kong.
42. Watched wild whales--Yes.
43. Stolen a sign--Yes. Then I watched some people get really spittin' mad. After two days I put the Ladie's Room sign back, and watched 'em get even madder. Me? I had hysterics...
44. Backpacked--Yes.
45. Taken a road-trip--Yes.
46. Gone rock climbing--No. But I've watched some of those maniacs.
47. Midnight walk on the beach --Yes. See #29.
45. Gone sky diving--Yes. Once. Never, ever again.
49. Taken a train through Europe--No.
50. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love--No.
51. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table, and had a meal with them--Yes.
52. Milked a cow--No.
53. Alphabetized your CDs--No.
54. Sung karaoke--Yes. Sang "Monster Mash" with eldest daughter to a packed, laughing restaurant.
55. Lounged around in bed all day-- Yes.
56. Gone scuba diving--No.
57. Kissed in the rain--Yes.
58. Gone to a drive-in theatre--Yes.
59. Started a business--Yes.
60. Taken a martial arts class--Yes. From a short, skinny Marine Sgt. who believed that thumps and bruises were the best teachers.
61. Been in a movie--No.
62. Crashed a party--Yes.
63. Gone without food for 5 days--No.
64. Gotten a tattoo--No.
65. Got flowers for no reason--For me from someone else - No. For my Sweetie, you betcha.
66. Performed on stage--Yes.
67. Been to Las Vegas--Yes.
68. Recorded music-- Presuming that I'm the performer - No.
69. Buried one/both of your parents--Yes.
70. Been on a cruise ship--No.
71. Spoken more than one language fluently--No.
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over--Yes.
73. Walked a famous bridge--Yes - the Golden Gate.
74. Had plastic surgery--No. Why improve on perfection?
75. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived--Yes.
76. Written articles for a large publication--Yes - and a very nice rejection slip I got out it!
77. Tried to lose weight seriously--No.
78. Been in the military--Yes - USN 1969 - 1973.
79. Read a good book--Yes.
80. Piloted an airplane--Not yet - that's on the "Nice things I'd like to do, someday" list.
80. Petted a stingray--No.
81. Broken someone’s heart--Doubtful. Pissed 'em off, Oh Yeah!
82. Broken a bone--Yes - graduated from high school wearing a cast on my leg.
83. Eaten sushi--No - yechhh!
84. Had your picture in the newspaper--Yes - and no, I wasn't described as a "Person of Interest"...
85. Parasailed--No.
86. Skipped all your school reunions--Yes.
87. Shaved your head-- Great Ghu No! My hair's almost as good as Jimbo's, so why would I?
88. Caused a car accident--No - but I've been the victim in a couple of them.
89. Pretended to be “sick”--Yes.
90. Swam in the Pacific Ocean--Yes. And the Atlantic.
91. Saved someone’s life--Yes.
92. Fainted--Yes.
93. Been in the room while someone is giving birth--Yes.
94. Hitchhiked--Yes, back in the 60's and 70's, mostly while in the Navy.
95. Adopted a child--No.
96. Been caught daydreaming-Oh, yeah!
97. Been to the Painted Desert--No - but I've camped in the Mojave.
98. Called off a wedding engagement--No. Should have, but I was young once, and Stoopit. Ah, well, I got very lucky the second time!
99. Become a follower of Jesus Christ - no becoming about it. Maybe I'm not the most regular of church-goers, but I was raised Christian and have always regarded myself as Christian.

:DAYSEVEN
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LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AP) -- Former "Hollywood Madam" Heidi Fleiss says she's bound for a brothel in the southern Nevada desert that she wants to help remake into a resort featuring male prostitutes serving female customers.

"I am moving to Crystal," Fleiss said Wednesday of a desert crossroads 20 miles north of Pahrump and about 80 miles outside Las Vegas. It features two bordellos and little else.

"I am opening up a stud farm," Fleiss declared from her Hollywood home overlooking the Sunset Strip. "I am going to have the sexiest men on earth. Women are going to love it."

"This blog is predicated on the suggestion that every Wednesday, in the Times Dining Out section, Frank lays a huge Faberge egg of hilarity," Langbein writes. She imagines Bruni as a "Venetian count in a huge ruffled collar," doling out stars from "the inside breast pocket of his brocaded chamber robe."

Bruni holds sway over a vast kingdom of restaurants in a city obsessed with eating. New Yorkers use his critiques to decide whether they should try the latest adventure in dining.

Langbein's 10-month-old blog, "The Bruni Digest," has evolved into a sassy counterpoint to Bruni's dispatches.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin held a press conference a little bit ago, and started losing control to a media pool assembled that was showing signs of panic, due to the previous incompetence in the region by the local and state government. Lt. Gen. Russel Honore stepped in and literally took over. Here's what he had to say:

09-20honore.mp3

Honore: And Mr. Mayor, let's go back, because I can see right now, we're setting this up as he said, he said, we said. All right? We are not going to go, by order of the mayor and the governor, and open the convention center for people to come in. There are buses there. Is that clear to you? Buses parked. There are 4,000 troops there. People come, they get on a bus, they get on a truck, they move on. Is that clear? Is that clear to the public?

Female reporter: Where do they move on...

Honore: That's not your business.

Male reporter: But General, that didn't work the first time...

Honore: Wait a minute. It didn't work the first time. This ain't the first time. Okay? If...we don't control Rita, you understand? So there are a lot of pieces of it that's going to be worked out. You got good public servants working through it. Let's get a little trust here, because you're starting to act like this is your problem. You are carrying the message, okay? What we're going to do is have the buses staged. The initial place is at the convention center. We're not going to announce other places at this time, until we get a plan set, and we'll let people know where those locations are, through the government, and through public announcements. Right now, to handle the number of people that want to leave, we've got the capacity. You will come to the convention center. There are soldiers there from the 82nd Airborne, and from the Louisiana National Guard. People will be told to get on the bus, and we will take care of them. And where they go will be dependent on the capacity in this state. We've got our communications up. And we'll tell them where to go. And when they get there, they'll be able to get a chance, an opportunity to get registered, and so they can let their families know where they are. But don't start panic here. Okay? We've got a location. It is in the front of the convention center, and that's where we will use to migrate people from it, into the system.

Male reporter: General Honore, we were told that Berman Stadium on the west bank would be another staging area...

Honore: Not to my knowledge. Again, the current place, I just told you one time, is the convention center. Once we complete the plan with the mayor, and is approved by the governor, then we'll start that in the next 12-24 hours. And we understand that there's a problem in getting communications out. That's where we need your help. But let's not confuse the questions with the answers. Buses at the convention center will move our citizens, for whom we have sworn that we will support and defend...and we'll move them on. Let's not get stuck on the last storm. You're asking last storm questions for people who are concerned about the future storm. Don't get stuck on stupid, reporters. We are moving forward. And don't confuse the people please. You are part of the public message. So help us get the message straight. And if you don't understand, maybe you'll confuse it to the people. That's why we like follow-up questions. But right now, it's the convention center, and move on.

Male reporter: General, a little bit more about why that's happening this time, though, and did not have that last time...

Honore: You are stuck on stupid. I'm not going to answer that question. We are going to deal with Rita. This is public information that people are depending on the government to put out. This is the way we've got to do it. So please. I apologize to you, but let's talk about the future. Rita is happening. And right now, we need to get good, clean information out to the people that they can use. And we can have a conversation on the side about the past, in a couple of months.

I think the General just started a movement, and he may not even realize it. Every time a reporter, in any situation, starts spinning, or completely misses the point, they need to be peppered with, "Don't get stuck on stupid."

I'd pay money to see David Gregory in the White House Press Corps foaming at the mouth over something trivial Scott McClellan said, and have McClellan say, "David, you're stuck on stupid. I'm not going to answer that."

I'd have fallen out of my chair if John Roberts would have listened to Joe Biden ramble on, and said, "Don't get stuck on stupid, Senator."

I can see the bumper stickers now. I can even see those stupid rubber wristbands with DGSOS etched in them.

I love General Honore.

Only one kind of crimimal ever stalks the sleepy 32-house village near Salzburg on the German border -- cheeky British tourists armed with a sense of humour and a screwdriver.

But the local authorities are hitting back and with the signs now set in concrete, police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger is on the lookout.

"We will not stand for the F---ing signs being removed," the officer told the broadsheet.

"It may be very amusing for you British, but F---ing is simply F---ing to us. What is this big F---ing joke? It is puerile."

Local guide Andreas Behmueller said it was only the British that had a fixation with F---ing.

"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg," he explained.

"Every American seems to care only about 'The Sound of Music' (the 1965 film shot around Salzburg). The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau.

"But for the British, it's all about F---ing."

Guesthouse boss Augustina Lindlbauer described the village's breathtaking lakes, forests and vistas.

"Yet still there is this obsession with F---ing," she said.

"Just this morning I had to tell an English lady who stopped by that there were no F---ing postcards."